Monday, April 25, 2011

IVF #1 – BFN.

I tested on Saturday – 10dp5dt (or 15 dpo) and it was ridiculously negative. Not even a hint of a second line.
I really thought I was prepared for this… but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I still am.
The day of the embryo transfer, the RE told us that our embryos looked so good and since I’m young that if we transferred two that we would most certainly end up with twins… so we transferred one. My lining was greater than 15 mm. The ultrasound tech told me that she couldn’t wait to do my OB sonogram. The embryologist kept commenting on how beautiful everything looked. I don’t understand it. I was so sure that it was going to work for us. My birthday falls on Mother’s Day this year and it would have been the perfect time to tell our family. Now, the thought of my birthday makes me literally sick to my stomach.
I told Mark that I think I’m ready to see a therapist. I feel like I’m turning into a total wreck. Everything makes me upset and I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate the person that I’ve become but I feel like I’ve lost control.
My beta is tomorrow. I am 110% positive it will be negative. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday and I got my period yesterday morning. I called my nurse and left her a message this morning and told her that I will be coming in for my beta tomorrow morning but that I want to discuss the protocol for a frozen embryo transfer (we have two embryos frozen) since we want to get started with that process as soon as possible.

In the mean time, I’m going to be taking a break from blogging. I promised my husband that I would take a break during my FET cycle. He thinks that blogging is a great outlet for me but says that he wants me to try and clear my head from everything for just a little while. I agree with him. I need to give my mind a break from all of this and do my best to relax and try to focus on some other things for once. I can’t force myself to be happy… but I know that I can’t continue to live my life like this. I need to take a step back from everything.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Losing Hope (6dp5dt)

I have heard that most women reach a point in their two week waits (especially IVF tww’s) where they begin to believe that it didn’t work. I have definitely reached that point. In fact, I’m pretty positive that it didn’t work.
2 days after my transfer, I woke up with a tiny bit of cramping. It wasn’t painful and it was very mild so I was convinced it was implantation cramping. It occurred a few times over the next few days. Yesterday morning though (5dp5dt), I woke up with AF cramps…the same kind that I get every month a day or two before she arrives. So far, she’s stayed away, but I’m thinking that it’s just the progesterone that is keeping her from making her grand entrance.
I had been feeling pretty positive up until this point. But as of yesterday and today, I just have this feeling that it didn’t work. I have been pregnant twice before and both times I have felt completely different by this point.
I have not tested and I’m not planning to until Saturday which is 10dp5dt (my beta isn’t until next Tuesday – 13dp5dt).  I know that it’s still a little early but I am pretty confident that the test will be negative and (based on how I’m feeling) I feel the need to prepare myself for that result.
If my beta is negative next Tuesday, I will be making plans to do a FET right away.  I’m very thankful that we have our two frozen embryos because I honestly don’t think I’m ready to go through another fresh cycle quite yet. I’ve talked to Mark and we both are in agreement that if we do need to do the FET, we will transfer both of the frozen embryos and hope for the best.

Friday, April 15, 2011

TWO Babies on Ice!

Just got the call that BOTH of our remaining blasts made it to freeze! After only having 3 embryos to begin with, we are beyond thrilled with this result!

Great news to begin the weekend with...

Thursday, April 14, 2011


That’s correct … yesterday we transferred one of the two most beautiful expanding blasts that I have ever seen!
Yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic around 10:00 am even though our transfer wasn’t scheduled until 11:00. I waited until we sat down in the waiting room to begin filling my bladder with Gatorade and a little before 11:00, they took us back to the transfer room. We got ready and then nervously waited for my RE to arrive.
When she came in a few minutes later, the first thing she said was, “Your embryos look beautiful!” She said that the quality couldn’t be much better on two of them and the third one was still growing. She recommended transferring one of the blasts and freezing the other and they would continue to watch the third embryo over the next day or so to see if it reaches the quality for freezing.
That was fine with us! Our plan initially was to transfer one as long as the quality was good and we are beyond excited that we had at least one to freeze! After having only 3 embryos to begin with, we considered it a really good outcome!
The transfer itself was really amazing. A little uncomfortable since my bladder was pretty full but it was awesome to be able to see everything take place on the monitor. When it was over, I stayed lying down for around 15 minutes and then we were released and I was ordered to bed rest for the rest of that day/night.
After we were home, I was really surprised at how much I stared at the picture of our little embryo.  IVF is really so amazing and regardless of how hard or frustrating it may be, I feel fortunate to be able to go through the process.
Today, I’m back at work (I sit at a desk all day so I’m still taking it easy), and I’m feeling hopeful. My blood pregnancy test isn’t until April 26th… 18 days after the retrieval! Crazy. I really want to hold off testing until then but I’m not sure I will be able to. We will see. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m going to try my hardest to stay as relaxed as possible during this 2ww!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Am Exhausted!

Seriously… this first cycle of IVF has been a complete rollercoaster ride for me. The last few days have been crazy and I took a step back from blogging to try to relax.
This will be a long post, so sorry in advance!
Friday, April 8th – Egg Retrieval Day
Mark and I arrived at the clinic a ½ hour early – at 5:30 am. My procedure wasn’t scheduled until 8:00 but we were required to be there at 6:00 am for prep.
When we walked in, we realized that we had arrived before anyone else… including staff. We signed in and then sat down to wait. A little after 6:00 we were called back to our “room” which was really just a little cubby area with a curtain, a bed, a chair, and a small closet. I changed into my beautiful pink gown and a few minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in to start my IV. He explained a few things and had me sign a few forms and told me he would see me later. After he left, the embryologist came in to take Mark’s “specimen” back to be washed (he had “produced” at home earlier that morning).
A few minutes later, the doctor who would be doing my egg retrieval came in to talk to us… MY doctor! This was exciting for me since I go to a very large practice and I could have had one of SEVERAL doctors performing the actual retrieval. She explained the procedure again to me briefly and told me that they were actually going to take me back a little earlier than originally planned. Apparently, another couple who had their retrieval scheduled earlier had completely screwed up their trigger time (WTH??) and to compensate, they had to switch them with some of the other patients who are actually able to follow basic instructions (I’m sorry, but when it was time for US to trigger, Mark had the injection ready to go and I was bent over staring at the clock for at least 10 minutes before so we could trigger right on the dot. How do you mess that up?).
Anyway…. Finally, the anesthesiologist came back and told me to go use the bathroom one last time before the procedure. After I kissed the hubs goodbye, I was led into the room where the retrieval would take place. I sat down on the table and the anesthesiologist put something in my IV and said, “You can sit up for now but you are going to want to lay down soon.” I remember there being a lot of people in the room and I told one of them, “I’m starting to feel dizzy…” A few of them started laughing and told me that it was normal and that I should lay down. One of the nurses told me to scoot down further on the table and that was the last thing I remember.
The next thing I remember was Mark and a nurse standing over me saying my name. They asked me if I was in any pain and I told them that I had some sharp pains on my right side. The nurse put a heating pad where it was hurting and told me to lie back down and rest and that they would get me some pain medication. I must have fallen back asleep because Mark had gone to get a prescription filled (there’s a pharmacy in the same building) and was standing over me with a vicodin and a cup of water.
The next thing I knew, my doctor had come in and told me they retrieved 7 eggs. I remember thinking, “That’s it??!” My doctor said that was good and she had anticipated a number like that since she had me on such a low dose of medication. I was still really disappointed but was hopeful that the 7 eggs were of good quality.
A little while later (after I could prove that I could walk) I was released. I slept in the car most of the way home and Mark put me to bed as soon as we got there. I was a little surprised at how sore I was but it really wasn’t too bad. Thanks to the vicodin, I slept for most of the day. When I was awake, I spent most of my time thinking about my 7 eggs and hoping that they were in the process of fertilizing.
Saturday, April 9th – Fertilization Report
I woke up early on Saturday morning but I still wasn’t feeling so great so I went back to bed around 10:00. Around 11:30, my phone rang. The nurse on the phone told me that she was calling with our fertilization report. She said out of the 7 eggs retrieved, all 7 were mature, but only THREE fertilized! I could have cried. I knew that with only 3 embryos that we would definitely be looking at a Day 3 transfer provided that we even had any that would make it to Day 3.
The nurse told me that they would give me a call on Sunday with a transfer time for our Day 3 transfer on Monday.
Sunday, April 10th – Scheduling the Day 3 Transfer  
I felt sick waiting for the call to come in on Sunday. I was praying that they wouldn’t call and tell me that none of the embryos had made it.
When the nurse finally called, she told me that our transfer would be on Monday at 3:15 but that we needed to arrive no later than 2:45. I was glad that it looked like we still had good enough embryos to transfer. I finally asked her how the three were looking. She told me that they had done a check that morning and that we had a 5 cell, a 4 cell and a 2 cell. So… not the greatest… but at least they were growing! I had read that by Day 2, embryos should be between 2 & 4 cells so I was hoping that by Monday we would have one or two that would be between 6 & 8 cells.
Monday, April 11th – Day 3 Transfer… Wait, never mind!  
Yesterday morning, Mark and I woke up late and had breakfast. It was a beautiful day outside so we were planning on going for a walk before getting ready for the transfer.
Around 11:30, my phone rang. It was my nurse. Originally I thought… holy crap. She’s calling to tell me that none of our embryos made it and they are canceling the transfer. But instead she said, “Guess what? They are moving you to a Day 5 transfer! All three embryos are looking great … you have a 9 cell, a 10 cell and an 11 cell!” Again, I could have cried. It was the best news I’ve had since starting IVF. I’m so excited that our little embryos are doing so well and that we get to do a Day 5 transfer.
So today I’m back at work (after 4 days off) and I’m getting excited for our transfer tomorrow (at 10:30 am!). My nurse called not too long ago and said all three are still looking great and two of them are looking exceptionally great. We still haven’t decided if we are transferring one or two. Originally, we wanted to just transfer one embryo on Day 5 but when we got the news that we would be doing a Day 3 transfer, we decided on two. Now that we are back to a Day 5, I feel undecided. I feel like I’m leaning towards transferring two, although I think Mark is still set on one. We will see. I think that we will make our final decision tomorrow once we talk to the RE and the embryologist.
Wish us luck! :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

What’s Better than Triggering After 13 Days of Stims?

Giving your husband an injection for the first time! Don’t worry ladies – I didn’t shoot him up with Menopur or Follistim!
When we first started injections, he told me that after my trigger shot, he would let me give him an injection of saline. It was my first time giving a shot (I’ve never, ever given one to myself!) and I think I did well! I asked him afterwards, “So, did it hurt?” And he said, “Nope… just make sure you write about this on your blog!” :)
Annnnnnyway… so we triggered last night at 8:00 pm on the dot! For some reason, I was really worked up about it and when I saw the needle again, I got a little light headed… It’s so much bigger than my tiny stim needles! But once I got over it… it was TOTALLY fine. I bent over, closed my eyes, and barely felt it. And since I will be using Endometrin (instead of PIO), that should be my last shot for a while. Hopefully a LONG while!
Retrieval is tomorrow morning at 8:00 am! We have to be there at 6:00 am to check in though so we have to leave our house by 4:30 am! Yikes! … But I doubt I will be doing much sleeping tonight anyway. I also asked my nurse if we should have Mark “produce” at home vs. the clinic and she said that she definitely suggests producing at home since we live within two hours of the clinic and that we can drop it off to the embryologist as soon as we arrive in the morning. Mark seemed a lot more comfortable with that plan!
Less than 24 hours to go... I’m actually starting to get excited!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


**UPDATE - Triggering tonight at 8:00 pm... Egg retrieval is Friday morning at 8:00 am!

I can’t believe I finally can post this… but we are triggering tonight! I’m so glad that my RE decided to give me another night to stim because I now have a 23 mm, 20 mm, 19mm, 16mm, 2 x 13mm, 12 mm, and 3 x 11 mm! Plus a few 10 mm and lots of smaller ones too. So… not perfect… but DEFINITELY a lot better than what we were looking at a few days ago. My E2 level also went up pretty significantly overnight… from 1300 to 1700! Again… not ideal but not completely terrible either. Plus I know that once we trigger, my follies will just keep on growing/maturing. Grow follies, grow! :)
Another thing that made my day is that my original nurse, Betsy, called me with my results today! She’s (FINALLY) back from maternity leave and I couldn’t be happier. She is amazing and I was so excited to hear her voice when she called today. I think I told her at least 3  times how happy I am that she's back. I don’t think I will be missing my other nurse very much!
Now I just have to wait for a call from the surgery scheduler to find out exactly what time we need to trigger tonight as well as to get my retrieval time for Friday. I'm actually really happy that we have a Friday retrieval since I will have the weekend to recover.
So ... all in all...I’m definitely nervous (and I’m really hoping for a respectable number of eggs) but it’s nice to finally see a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel… especially after 13 days of stims!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Trying to Stay Positive!

First of all… thanks to everyone for their comments on my last post. I felt much better after reading them! I’m still a little disappointed with how everything is going with this cycle but I do understand that it could be much worse.
I left my monitoring appointment this morning thinking I was going to trigger tonight! One of the nurses told me to be prepared and handed me a booklet with the trigger instructions and egg retrieval information. I was pretty upset about that because it just doesn’t seem like I’m ready! My largest follicle is 22 mm and I also have a 19 mm, 18 mm, 13 mm, 12mm, 12 mm, 10 mm, 8 mm and LOTS of smaller ones. My E2 came back at 1300…. I see so many people trigger when their E2 levels are 2500 or MORE! I just didn’t understand it.
When my nurse called, she told me that I’m not triggering tonight and instead I’m continuing stims (this will be my 13th night of stimming). She said that my RE wanted to give me some more time to let the little guys catch up as much as possible. She is predicting that we will probably trigger tomorrow night for a Friday retrieval. I’m actually feeling a little better about this. I’m glad that we aren’t triggering tonight… I would much rather give some of my slacker follicles a chance to do some more growing and then hopefully the trigger will be the icing on the cake.
Trying so hard to think positive, positive, positive...

Monday, April 4, 2011

A Little Progress…

My last two monitoring appointments have gone a little better… we are finally starting to see some growth! Although I still seem to have a LOT of little follies that need to catch up...
Here’s what my ovaries looked like as of this morning’s ultrasound:
Righty – 16.5, 12.6, 8.3, 7.2 and several smaller follicles
Lefty – 19.2, 15.6, 11.3, 11.9, 9.1 and several smaller follicles
My lining is at 12.6 mm and the ultrasound tech said it looks like a Caribbean vacation for embryos… I just hope my follicles start cooperating so that there will actually BE some embryos!
I started the Ganirelix on Saturday (it doesn’t hurt at all until about a minute after the injection is over… then it feels like a huge bee stung me!) and my medication is now at 225 ius of Follistim and 150 ius of Menopur. Estrogen is at 1100.
 Tonight will be the 12th night of stims. This has taken SO much longer than I anticipated and I’m getting really tired. I’m really disappointed with my follicle growth. I was hoping to be having my egg retrieval today…Instead I’m stuck at work wondering when (if EVER) we will get to trigger. I’m having a really hard time staying psyched up about this cycle.
Next monitoring appointment is tomorrow at 7:00… I really hope they have some good news for me!
PS - I have no idea what’s up with my “Timeline” on the right… I was trying to edit it the other day and when I hit ‘save’… it turns into one big jumbled mess. I have no idea why it’s not saving my spacing. If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know! :)