I tested on Saturday – 10dp5dt (or 15 dpo) and it was ridiculously negative. Not even a hint of a second line.
I really thought I was prepared for this… but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I still am.
The day of the embryo transfer, the RE told us that our embryos looked so good and since I’m young that if we transferred two that we would most certainly end up with twins… so we transferred one. My lining was greater than 15 mm. The ultrasound tech told me that she couldn’t wait to do my OB sonogram. The embryologist kept commenting on how beautiful everything looked. I don’t understand it. I was so sure that it was going to work for us. My birthday falls on Mother’s Day this year and it would have been the perfect time to tell our family. Now, the thought of my birthday makes me literally sick to my stomach.
I told Mark that I think I’m ready to see a therapist. I feel like I’m turning into a total wreck. Everything makes me upset and I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate the person that I’ve become but I feel like I’ve lost control.
My beta is tomorrow. I am 110% positive it will be negative. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday and I got my period yesterday morning. I called my nurse and left her a message this morning and told her that I will be coming in for my beta tomorrow morning but that I want to discuss the protocol for a frozen embryo transfer (we have two embryos frozen) since we want to get started with that process as soon as possible.
In the mean time, I’m going to be taking a break from blogging. I promised my husband that I would take a break during my FET cycle. He thinks that blogging is a great outlet for me but says that he wants me to try and clear my head from everything for just a little while. I agree with him. I need to give my mind a break from all of this and do my best to relax and try to focus on some other things for once. I can’t force myself to be happy… but I know that I can’t continue to live my life like this. I need to take a step back from everything.
In the mean time, I’m going to be taking a break from blogging. I promised my husband that I would take a break during my FET cycle. He thinks that blogging is a great outlet for me but says that he wants me to try and clear my head from everything for just a little while. I agree with him. I need to give my mind a break from all of this and do my best to relax and try to focus on some other things for once. I can’t force myself to be happy… but I know that I can’t continue to live my life like this. I need to take a step back from everything.
Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI think seeing a therapist is a great idea. You may have to try out a few before you find one who works, but a good one can work wonders.
I understand why you need to take a break from blogging. I'm thinking of you!!!
Oh no, I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine how heartbroken you must be. Take care of YOU during this time. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about the BFN and how you've been feeling. All of these emotions and hormones are very hard to deal with. I'll be happy to see you back if and when you are ready. Best of luck with everything going forward. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteTake care. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's like I wrote this post - I feel exactly the same as you hon. The pain is indescribable and there really is nothing that is comforting at this time. I understand your need to take a step back. Please email me if you wanna chat some more...I DO understand and would love to connect with you more.
ReplyDeletelcisstilldreaming@gmail.com
Sending you love and a huge hug!
I'm so sorry about your result... and hope that you will get the answers you need from your nurse/RE then move into your next cycle OK. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDelete(Been lurking for awhile... hello). While I may be the anomaly, I never got a positive HPT... even the morning of my beta. Which ended up being over 150, and I'm now 23 weeks.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to give false hope, but I still have yet to see two lines on a pregnancy test. After my three betas, I was too scared to take one, because I didn't want to bring back all those feelings!
I just came past your page and I am sorry to hear about your negative test. I live in MD also and have heard great things about Shady Grove! Good luck on your FET!
ReplyDelete