29 weeks, 5 days

Considering my last post was revealing the genders of our twinsies, I figured it was time for an update!

All is going so well! Even though I feel like I’m holding my breath everyday and praying, praying, praying that our babies are healthy, we always get perfect news at the ultrasounds. We had another one about two weeks ago and our babies were both 2 lbs. 12 oz and doing great! We are so, so thankful! Next ultrasound is this Thursday – I am so excited to see how much they have grown.

I also passed my gestational diabetes test with flying colors! I opted to do the 3 hour test instead of the 1 hour since I had a higher chance of failing with twins and the nurse said the results couldn’t have looked better. THANK GOODNESS. I was really hoping that I passed because I did NOT want to have to modify my diet over the holidays. :)

Our baby shower was also this month and it was SO SURREAL. I absolutely cannot believe that I have made it this far with these two little miracles and I was overwhelmed by the generosity of our guests. My co-workers also threw me a surprise shower this month and it was so incredible. These little ones are so spoiled already!

As far as names go, I think we are FINALLY set. Mark and I originally wanted to keep their names between the two of us until they are born but we ended up telling my parents and grandparents over the weekend and swore them to secrecy. I’m glad that they know because it was a hard secret to keep from them!

I realize that I have been a terrible blogger but most times, I feel like I really don’t have anything to say. I spend most of my time being thankful for the two miracles that I feel kicking away in my belly and pray that they continue to grow big and strong.  The past 30 weeks have felt like they have flown by and I can’t believe we are getting closer meeting our babies.

I still log on and read your updates all the time and I am thinking of all of you no matter where you are in your journeys.

Hoping everyone has a wonderful Christmas!

Gender Reveal Day!

Friday was the big day! The day we found out the sexes of our little twinsies at our anatomy scan! I was super excited of course but I was mostly just anxious to see them both and make sure they were both healthy.

First of all, they both looked GREAT! Both are measuring a few days ahead of schedule and they passed their anatomy scan with flying colors! Hooray!

The technician asked us if we wanted to know the genders and of course Mark and I said right away, “YES!!” …. She said, I can tell you right away that Baby A is a ….

GIRL!!!!!

Here is a picture of our DAUGHTER!! (Taken with my phone… excuse the quality- I need to start scanning some pics!)

I wasn’t too surprised that Baby A was a girl because at our 13 week ultrasound, they made an educated guess and told us they would bet that she was a girl. They couldn’t make a guess on Baby B at that time since he/she wasn’t cooperating.

So once again when the sonographer moved onto Baby B this time, he/she had his/her legs closed again so she couldn’t tell. I was so worried that we would have to wait until the next scan to find out the Baby B’s gender but at the last minute, the sonographer was able to get a perfect view of our little….

BOY!!!!!

Here is a picture of our SON!!

We have been on Cloud 9 since the ultrasound. I am so, so, happy that both babies are healthy and growing ahead of schedule. And I am over the moon that we are having one of each. I never would have guessed that we would have a girl and a boy. It is like the icing on the cake.

After all we have been through, I can’t even express how thankful we are for these two precious miracles.

15 Weeks, 6 days…

Otherwise known as 16 weeks tomorrow! Incredible.

Things are going pretty well… nausea is finally starting to subside a tiny bit. I’m still on the Zofran but hoping for not much longer. I’ve started having some back pain (in the middle of my back) which the doctor says is normal since I’m growing so quickly with the twins but I honestly didn’t expect it so early.

We had our NT scan at 13 weeks. It was AMAZING. The babies were moving around like crazy and looked so cute! They even took an educated guess at Baby A’s sex (they guessed girl! We will see if that continues). We got our results the day of the ultrasound (since we had our blood work done at a previous appointment) and we couldn’t have asked for better results. Both babies have less than 1 in 10,000 risk of any of the trisomies which they said is the best possible results we could have gotten. The other exciting news is that my high risk doctor released me back to my regular OB after we got the results of our tests! I pretty much thought that with twins, you needed to see a high risk doctor the entire time but he said my pregnancy was no more high risk than a singleton and that the babies were looking absolutely perfect. :) Such a relief.

Here are some pics of the babies from the scan:

Baby A



Baby B

At my 14 week appointment, my regular OB listened to the heartbeats with the Doppler and we scheduled the big gender reveal ultrasound – September 30^th! It seems so far away but I’m SO excited to find out the sexes of our little twinsies. Even more importantly, I’m just excited for another ultrasound to confirm that we still have two healthy babies growing!

I think one of the best things I’ve done so far is to rent a fetal heart Doppler. I waited to get it until 12 weeks since I wanted to make sure that I was at a point in my pregnancy where I actually could pick up the heartbeats. I have not had a problem finding them since day one… it has been SUCH a reassurance to me in between appointments. I told my husband that I will probably keep it until I can feel the babies moving but I may just keep it the whole pregnancy! I love it.

So that’s about it! Still here, still pregnant, and so incredibly thankful. Thinking of you guys and enjoying following along with your updates!

What I’ve Been Up To….

So I promise I did not fall off the face of the earth! I have been reading and following along with all of you but I haven’t been able to do much commenting since I do most of my blog catching up at work.

I really do want to list the details of my FET before I forget so I apologize in advance if this turns out to be a really long post!

May 20, 2011 – Day 1

After a month of birth control pills, AF finally decided to show up. I went in to the RE’s office on Day 2 for blood work and ultrasound… all looked good and I was told that we were ready to start my medications in preparation for our transfer. This was the first time I was introduced to Progesterone in Oil (I was on suppositories in all my past cycles) as well as Del Estrogen (also an IM injection). Overall, I think I really do prefer the IM injections over the suppositories – I have a high pain tolerance so I’d much rather deal with a little bit of pain than a mess!

June 8, 2011 – Lining Check

Went in for a lining check at was already over 12 mm! Was excited that the meds were doing their jobs. Transfer date was confirmed for June 13, 2011.

June 13, 2011 – FET

Transfer day. Mark and I got there early and I started filling my bladder in the waiting room. I was a wreck. I could not remember being this nervous for my fresh transfer. I felt sick to my stomach and I was so worried that one or both of our little embryos wouldn’t survive the thaw.

Finally, they took us back to our transfer room and they took my blood pressure. I can’t remember what it was but it was pretty high. I explained to the nurse that I was really nervous. She said that the doctor and embryologist would be in soon.

It seemed like forever before they finally came in. Finally, the RE who would be doing my transfer came in and said, “You’ve got some beautiful embryos – they both had an almost 100% cell survival rate.” After I heard that, I definitely shed a few tears. The doctor must have asked us 3 times if we were sure we wanted to transfer two because the quality was very good on both of them. He kept saying, “Are you okay with twins?” At this point, we were okay with anything. We had tried the eSET and that didn’t work so we were pretty much set on transferring them both.

The transfer was pretty easy and after it was over, I stayed lying down for about 20 minutes before getting up to use the bathroom. They did take my blood pressure again before I left and it was almost back to normal.

I then went home to my bed for the rest of the day with this picture:

TWW

I’m not going to say this tww was any better or any worse than the tww for my fresh IVF… it was about the same. Mark asked me every day if I was feeling any different and I really didn’t. I felt like I was going to get my period any second.

9dp5dt

My beta was not scheduled until 14dp5dt and there was no way I was going to wait that long without peeing on a stick. I told Mark that I would take an HPT the morning of 9dp5dt so that I could prepare myself for the next cycle.

That morning, I peed in a cup but before I dipped the test, I prayed… “Please let me be okay.”… I wanted to prepare myself so that I was not completely crushed by a negative result. Then I dipped the stick… and I saw the test line come up immediately… before I even saw the control line. I was shaking! I’d been pregnant twice before and I’ve never had that happen! I ran into the bedroom to wake Mark up and show him the test… he was definitely excited but neither one of us wanted to get our hopes up since we had been in this situation before.

We took a picture of my test next to the picture of our embryos (sorry for the quality… all of these pictures were taken with my phone):

Over the next few days, I took a few more tests to make sure the lines were getting darker… they were! On the last test that I took, you almost can’t even see the control line!:

Beta #1

2545

Beta #2

Over 5,000 (I didn’t write down the actual number)

Beta #3

They told me not to bother with Beta #3… my first two beta numbers were great!

July 8, 2011 – Ultrasound #1

My first ultrasound was scheduled for 6 weeks, 2 days… the day after I returned from our trip to Milwaukee. I had started having morning sickness a few days before which was reassuring but I was still a total wreck before the ultrasound. It was much worse than transfer day. I was so afraid that they wouldn’t see anything. We had never gotten to this point in either of my previous pregnancies.

Finally the RE and the ultrasound tech came in and the wand went in almost immediately. I couldn’t look at the screen – I was too nervous. I just looked at the RE…. first she said, “Okay, I see two….” I was still holding my breath… and THEN she said, “…and I see two heartbeats!!” I cannot even put into words how I felt at that moment. I started crying and Mark even got a little teary eyed. TWINS! With two heartbeats! Unbelievable! The RE said that they were measuring perfectly and that we should come in for another ultrasound next week.

After our appointment, Mark and I went to breakfast but I don’t think either one of us ate very much. We were in shock! We just couldn’t believe that we had gotten to this point.

Here’s a pic of our twinsies at 6 weeks, 2 days:

Ultrasound #2

7 weeks, 1 day

Ultrasound #3

8 weeks, 0 days

After ultrasound #3, we officially graduated from our RE’s office. It was bittersweet leaving since I adored every single person there but sooo exciting at the same time. I left with my discharge paperwork and a prescription for Zofran (since I couldn’t keep a single thing down for three days straight!).

My first OB appointment was last Friday and it was painfully uneventful. I had to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test… even after I handed them my discharge paperwork from my RE and my ultrasound reports and then they didn’t even do an exam. Ridiculous…. Anyway… I sat down with the doctor and he answered a few of my questions, they took some blood and that was it! It felt like a total waste of time. I’m so glad that I’m going to be seeing a high risk OB in addition to my regular OB. I have an appointment with them next Monday and I’m really looking forward to having an ultrasound!

Tomorrow, I will be 10 weeks… which is crazy to me. We are still very cautiously excited but we are hoping that things continue to go smoothly. I’ve continued to have morning sickness (I still throw up every morning and every evening) but the Zofran is really helping to get me through my work days. I’m not complaining though… I would MUCH rather be sick than not since it’s typically a good sign.

So that’s what has been going on with me! Again, I have been reading and cheering you guys on… but I need to start reading from home a bit more so that I can comment.

Thinking of you all!

It’s Been Long Enough…

It’s time for me to start blogging again. I was really going to take a break during this entire FET cycle, but I really have too many thoughts in my head that I need to get out.

So in random order, here’s what has been going down since my last post:

·         I’m feeling better about the BFN. I talked to my doctor after my beta came back and she said that she was genuinely shocked that it didn’t work. She said that the quality of the embryo that we transferred couldn’t have been better and that my lining was perfect. I told her that I wanted to get started with the frozen embryo transfer cycle right away and that I wanted to transfer them both. She agreed and said that our chances where very good since our frozen blasts are of excellent quality.

·         My birthday was on Mother’s Day (I turned 26)… and it honestly was not a very good day. I told my family and my husband that I did not want any presents and that I did not want to go out to celebrate. All I wanted was for the day to be over. Thankfully, it went by fairly quickly and I felt a lot better the next day.

·         I scheduled an appointment for Mark and I to meet with a counselor. Our first appointment is on Wednesday (the 18^th) and I am really looking forward to it. I’m really hoping that she help us both deal with the stress a little better.

·         I’m taking my last birth control pill tomorrow! It’s also our 3 year wedding anniversary! So it’s exciting. After I take the last pill, I wait to get my period and then I will go in to the RE’s office on Day 2 for an ultrasound. I guess sometime after that I will start the progesterone and estrogen. The one thing I’m just a little nervous about this cycle is that I will be on the PIO shots (I had the suppositories for my fresh cycle) as well as Del Estrogen (also an intra muscular injection) every third day.

·         I’m planning a vacation! Well… sort of a vacation. When we decided to do the Shared Risk program for IVF it was a pretty big decision for us financially. We normally take a big vacation every year and also a few small trips but we decided not to this year in order to help pay for treatments.  We did, however, take a full week off work in July and the thought of not going anywhere made me sad. So Mark said, let’s go to Milwaukee! Which doesn’t sound like much of a vacation but I love it there…especially in the summer! My husband is from there so we are going to visit his family and hang out at Summerfest all week! It’s going to be fun and I’m just glad to be going somewhere!

The other great thing about planning this trip is that it is really taking my mind off of this FET cycle. And for me, I think that’s a really good thing. For my fresh cycle, I was constantly Googling EVERYTHING and worrying myself to death. I feel so much more relaxed this time around. I know that I will be okay no matter what the outcome is. We should find out if it worked or not about two weeks before we leave for Milwaukee. If it worked: “AWESOME! I’m going to have a great time on my vacation!” And if it didn’t work: “That really stinks but I’m STILL going to have a great time in Milwaukee AND I’m going to enjoy some drinks!”

So we will see. I do know that if this FET doesn’t work, I’m going to take a short break before starting another fresh cycle. I know that I will need it and that I will want to just enjoy the summer before getting back in the stirrups. :)

Also, thank you so much to everyone for your comments on my last post. I really appreciated your kind words and understanding as I took a little break from everything. I hope everyone is doing well. I’m going to try to catch up on everyone’s blogs this week. Thinking of you all!

IVF #1 – BFN.

I tested on Saturday – 10dp5dt (or 15 dpo) and it was ridiculously negative. Not even a hint of a second line.

I really thought I was prepared for this… but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I still am.

The day of the embryo transfer, the RE told us that our embryos looked so good and since I’m young that if we transferred two that we would most certainly end up with twins… so we transferred one. My lining was greater than 15 mm. The ultrasound tech told me that she couldn’t wait to do my OB sonogram. The embryologist kept commenting on how beautiful everything looked. I don’t understand it. I was so sure that it was going to work for us. My birthday falls on Mother’s Day this year and it would have been the perfect time to tell our family. Now, the thought of my birthday makes me literally sick to my stomach.

I told Mark that I think I’m ready to see a therapist. I feel like I’m turning into a total wreck. Everything makes me upset and I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate the person that I’ve become but I feel like I’ve lost control.

My beta is tomorrow. I am 110% positive it will be negative. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday and I got my period yesterday morning. I called my nurse and left her a message this morning and told her that I will be coming in for my beta tomorrow morning but that I want to discuss the protocol for a frozen embryo transfer (we have two embryos frozen) since we want to get started with that process as soon as possible.

In the mean time, I’m going to be taking a break from blogging. I promised my husband that I would take a break during my FET cycle. He thinks that blogging is a great outlet for me but says that he wants me to try and clear my head from everything for just a little while. I agree with him. I need to give my mind a break from all of this and do my best to relax and try to focus on some other things for once. I can’t force myself to be happy… but I know that I can’t continue to live my life like this. I need to take a step back from everything.

Losing Hope (6dp5dt)

I have heard that most women reach a point in their two week waits (especially IVF tww’s) where they begin to believe that it didn’t work. I have definitely reached that point. In fact, I’m pretty positive that it didn’t work.

2 days after my transfer, I woke up with a tiny bit of cramping. It wasn’t painful and it was very mild so I was convinced it was implantation cramping. It occurred a few times over the next few days. Yesterday morning though (5dp5dt), I woke up with AF cramps…the same kind that I get every month a day or two before she arrives. So far, she’s stayed away, but I’m thinking that it’s just the progesterone that is keeping her from making her grand entrance.

I had been feeling pretty positive up until this point. But as of yesterday and today, I just have this feeling that it didn’t work. I have been pregnant twice before and both times I have felt completely different by this point.

I have not tested and I’m not planning to until Saturday which is 10dp5dt (my beta isn’t until next Tuesday – 13dp5dt).  I know that it’s still a little early but I am pretty confident that the test will be negative and (based on how I’m feeling) I feel the need to prepare myself for that result.

If my beta is negative next Tuesday, I will be making plans to do a FET right away.  I’m very thankful that we have our two frozen embryos because I honestly don’t think I’m ready to go through another fresh cycle quite yet. I’ve talked to Mark and we both are in agreement that if we do need to do the FET, we will transfer both of the frozen embryos and hope for the best.

TWO Babies on Ice!

Just got the call that BOTH of our remaining blasts made it to freeze! After only having 3 embryos to begin with, we are beyond thrilled with this result!

Great news to begin the weekend with...

1dp5dt!!

That’s correct … yesterday we transferred one of the two most beautiful expanding blasts that I have ever seen!

Yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic around 10:00 am even though our transfer wasn’t scheduled until 11:00. I waited until we sat down in the waiting room to begin filling my bladder with Gatorade and a little before 11:00, they took us back to the transfer room. We got ready and then nervously waited for my RE to arrive.

When she came in a few minutes later, the first thing she said was, “Your embryos look beautiful!” She said that the quality couldn’t be much better on two of them and the third one was still growing. She recommended transferring one of the blasts and freezing the other and they would continue to watch the third embryo over the next day or so to see if it reaches the quality for freezing.

That was fine with us! Our plan initially was to transfer one as long as the quality was good and we are beyond excited that we had at least one to freeze! After having only 3 embryos to begin with, we considered it a really good outcome!

The transfer itself was really amazing. A little uncomfortable since my bladder was pretty full but it was awesome to be able to see everything take place on the monitor. When it was over, I stayed lying down for around 15 minutes and then we were released and I was ordered to bed rest for the rest of that day/night.

After we were home, I was really surprised at how much I stared at the picture of our little embryo.  IVF is really so amazing and regardless of how hard or frustrating it may be, I feel fortunate to be able to go through the process.

Today, I’m back at work (I sit at a desk all day so I’m still taking it easy), and I’m feeling hopeful. My blood pregnancy test isn’t until April 26^th… 18 days after the retrieval! Crazy. I really want to hold off testing until then but I’m not sure I will be able to. We will see. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m going to try my hardest to stay as relaxed as possible during this 2ww!

I Am Exhausted!

Seriously… this first cycle of IVF has been a complete rollercoaster ride for me. The last few days have been crazy and I took a step back from blogging to try to relax.

This will be a long post, so sorry in advance!

Friday, April 8^th – Egg Retrieval Day

Mark and I arrived at the clinic a ½ hour early – at 5:30 am. My procedure wasn’t scheduled until 8:00 but we were required to be there at 6:00 am for prep.

When we walked in, we realized that we had arrived before anyone else… including staff. We signed in and then sat down to wait. A little after 6:00 we were called back to our “room” which was really just a little cubby area with a curtain, a bed, a chair, and a small closet. I changed into my beautiful pink gown and a few minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in to start my IV. He explained a few things and had me sign a few forms and told me he would see me later. After he left, the embryologist came in to take Mark’s “specimen” back to be washed (he had “produced” at home earlier that morning).

A few minutes later, the doctor who would be doing my egg retrieval came in to talk to us… MY doctor! This was exciting for me since I go to a very large practice and I could have had one of SEVERAL doctors performing the actual retrieval. She explained the procedure again to me briefly and told me that they were actually going to take me back a little earlier than originally planned. Apparently, another couple who had their retrieval scheduled earlier had completely screwed up their trigger time (WTH??) and to compensate, they had to switch them with some of the other patients who are actually able to follow basic instructions (I’m sorry, but when it was time for US to trigger, Mark had the injection ready to go and I was bent over staring at the clock for at least 10 minutes before so we could trigger right on the dot. How do you mess that up?).

Anyway…. Finally, the anesthesiologist came back and told me to go use the bathroom one last time before the procedure. After I kissed the hubs goodbye, I was led into the room where the retrieval would take place. I sat down on the table and the anesthesiologist put something in my IV and said, “You can sit up for now but you are going to want to lay down soon.” I remember there being a lot of people in the room and I told one of them, “I’m starting to feel dizzy…” A few of them started laughing and told me that it was normal and that I should lay down. One of the nurses told me to scoot down further on the table and that was the last thing I remember.

The next thing I remember was Mark and a nurse standing over me saying my name. They asked me if I was in any pain and I told them that I had some sharp pains on my right side. The nurse put a heating pad where it was hurting and told me to lie back down and rest and that they would get me some pain medication. I must have fallen back asleep because Mark had gone to get a prescription filled (there’s a pharmacy in the same building) and was standing over me with a vicodin and a cup of water.

The next thing I knew, my doctor had come in and told me they retrieved 7 eggs. I remember thinking, “That’s it??!” My doctor said that was good and she had anticipated a number like that since she had me on such a low dose of medication. I was still really disappointed but was hopeful that the 7 eggs were of good quality.

A little while later (after I could prove that I could walk) I was released. I slept in the car most of the way home and Mark put me to bed as soon as we got there. I was a little surprised at how sore I was but it really wasn’t too bad. Thanks to the vicodin, I slept for most of the day. When I was awake, I spent most of my time thinking about my 7 eggs and hoping that they were in the process of fertilizing.

Saturday, April 9^th – Fertilization Report

I woke up early on Saturday morning but I still wasn’t feeling so great so I went back to bed around 10:00. Around 11:30, my phone rang. The nurse on the phone told me that she was calling with our fertilization report. She said out of the 7 eggs retrieved, all 7 were mature, but only THREE fertilized! I could have cried. I knew that with only 3 embryos that we would definitely be looking at a Day 3 transfer provided that we even had any that would make it to Day 3.

The nurse told me that they would give me a call on Sunday with a transfer time for our Day 3 transfer on Monday.

Sunday, April 10^th – Scheduling the Day 3 Transfer  

I felt sick waiting for the call to come in on Sunday. I was praying that they wouldn’t call and tell me that none of the embryos had made it.

When the nurse finally called, she told me that our transfer would be on Monday at 3:15 but that we needed to arrive no later than 2:45. I was glad that it looked like we still had good enough embryos to transfer. I finally asked her how the three were looking. She told me that they had done a check that morning and that we had a 5 cell, a 4 cell and a 2 cell. So… not the greatest… but at least they were growing! I had read that by Day 2, embryos should be between 2 & 4 cells so I was hoping that by Monday we would have one or two that would be between 6 & 8 cells.

Monday, April 11^th – Day 3 Transfer… Wait, never mind!  

Yesterday morning, Mark and I woke up late and had breakfast. It was a beautiful day outside so we were planning on going for a walk before getting ready for the transfer.

Around 11:30, my phone rang. It was my nurse. Originally I thought… holy crap. She’s calling to tell me that none of our embryos made it and they are canceling the transfer. But instead she said, “Guess what? They are moving you to a Day 5 transfer! All three embryos are looking great … you have a 9 cell, a 10 cell and an 11 cell!” Again, I could have cried. It was the best news I’ve had since starting IVF. I’m so excited that our little embryos are doing so well and that we get to do a Day 5 transfer.

So today I’m back at work (after 4 days off) and I’m getting excited for our transfer tomorrow (at 10:30 am!). My nurse called not too long ago and said all three are still looking great and two of them are looking exceptionally great. We still haven’t decided if we are transferring one or two. Originally, we wanted to just transfer one embryo on Day 5 but when we got the news that we would be doing a Day 3 transfer, we decided on two. Now that we are back to a Day 5, I feel undecided. I feel like I’m leaning towards transferring two, although I think Mark is still set on one. We will see. I think that we will make our final decision tomorrow once we talk to the RE and the embryologist.

Wish us luck! :)

What’s Better than Triggering After 13 Days of Stims?

Giving your husband an injection for the first time! Don’t worry ladies – I didn’t shoot him up with Menopur or Follistim!

When we first started injections, he told me that after my trigger shot, he would let me give him an injection of saline. It was my first time giving a shot (I’ve never, ever given one to myself!) and I think I did well! I asked him afterwards, “So, did it hurt?” And he said, “Nope… just make sure you write about this on your blog!” :)

Annnnnnyway… so we triggered last night at 8:00 pm on the dot! For some reason, I was really worked up about it and when I saw the needle again, I got a little light headed… It’s so much bigger than my tiny stim needles! But once I got over it… it was TOTALLY fine. I bent over, closed my eyes, and barely felt it. And since I will be using Endometrin (instead of PIO), that should be my last shot for a while. Hopefully a LONG while!

Retrieval is tomorrow morning at 8:00 am! We have to be there at 6:00 am to check in though so we have to leave our house by 4:30 am! Yikes! … But I doubt I will be doing much sleeping tonight anyway. I also asked my nurse if we should have Mark “produce” at home vs. the clinic and she said that she definitely suggests producing at home since we live within two hours of the clinic and that we can drop it off to the embryologist as soon as we arrive in the morning. Mark seemed a lot more comfortable with that plan!

Less than 24 hours to go... I’m actually starting to get excited!

TRIGGER!

**UPDATE - Triggering tonight at 8:00 pm... Egg retrieval is Friday morning at 8:00 am!

I can’t believe I finally can post this… but we are triggering tonight! I’m so glad that my RE decided to give me another night to stim because I now have a 23 mm, 20 mm, 19mm, 16mm, 2 x 13mm, 12 mm, and 3 x 11 mm! Plus a few 10 mm and lots of smaller ones too. So… not perfect… but DEFINITELY a lot better than what we were looking at a few days ago. My E2 level also went up pretty significantly overnight… from 1300 to 1700! Again… not ideal but not completely terrible either. Plus I know that once we trigger, my follies will just keep on growing/maturing. Grow follies, grow! :)

Another thing that made my day is that my original nurse, Betsy, called me with my results today! She’s (FINALLY) back from maternity leave and I couldn’t be happier. She is amazing and I was so excited to hear her voice when she called today. I think I told her at least 3  times how happy I am that she's back. I don’t think I will be missing my other nurse very much!

Now I just have to wait for a call from the surgery scheduler to find out exactly what time we need to trigger tonight as well as to get my retrieval time for Friday. I'm actually really happy that we have a Friday retrieval since I will have the weekend to recover.

So ... all in all...I’m definitely nervous (and I’m really hoping for a respectable number of eggs) but it’s nice to finally see a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel… especially after 13 days of stims!

Trying to Stay Positive!

First of all… thanks to everyone for their comments on my last post. I felt much better after reading them! I’m still a little disappointed with how everything is going with this cycle but I do understand that it could be much worse.

I left my monitoring appointment this morning thinking I was going to trigger tonight! One of the nurses told me to be prepared and handed me a booklet with the trigger instructions and egg retrieval information. I was pretty upset about that because it just doesn’t seem like I’m ready! My largest follicle is 22 mm and I also have a 19 mm, 18 mm, 13 mm, 12mm, 12 mm, 10 mm, 8 mm and LOTS of smaller ones. My E2 came back at 1300…. I see so many people trigger when their E2 levels are 2500 or MORE! I just didn’t understand it.

When my nurse called, she told me that I’m not triggering tonight and instead I’m continuing stims (this will be my 13^th night of stimming). She said that my RE wanted to give me some more time to let the little guys catch up as much as possible. She is predicting that we will probably trigger tomorrow night for a Friday retrieval. I’m actually feeling a little better about this. I’m glad that we aren’t triggering tonight… I would much rather give some of my slacker follicles a chance to do some more growing and then hopefully the trigger will be the icing on the cake.

Trying so hard to think positive, positive, positive...

A Little Progress…

My last two monitoring appointments have gone a little better… we are finally starting to see some growth! Although I still seem to have a LOT of little follies that need to catch up...

Here’s what my ovaries looked like as of this morning’s ultrasound:

Righty – 16.5, 12.6, 8.3, 7.2 and several smaller follicles

Lefty – 19.2, 15.6, 11.3, 11.9, 9.1 and several smaller follicles

My lining is at 12.6 mm and the ultrasound tech said it looks like a Caribbean vacation for embryos… I just hope my follicles start cooperating so that there will actually BE some embryos!

I started the Ganirelix on Saturday (it doesn’t hurt at all until about a minute after the injection is over… then it feels like a huge bee stung me!) and my medication is now at 225 ius of Follistim and 150 ius of Menopur. Estrogen is at 1100.

 Tonight will be the 12^th night of stims. This has taken SO much longer than I anticipated and I’m getting really tired. I’m really disappointed with my follicle growth. I was hoping to be having my egg retrieval today…Instead I’m stuck at work wondering when (if EVER) we will get to trigger. I’m having a really hard time staying psyched up about this cycle.

Next monitoring appointment is tomorrow at 7:00… I really hope they have some good news for me!

PS - I have no idea what’s up with my “Timeline” on the right… I was trying to edit it the other day and when I hit ‘save’… it turns into one big jumbled mess. I have no idea why it’s not saving my spacing. If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know! :)

FRUSTRATED.

***UPDATE: Just spoke with my nurse... She said that my RE is not concerned at all with my progress and is keeping my medication dosage the same! They said they are being cautious with me due to my young age and that I may just stim for a few days longer than normal. Needless to say... I feel much better! Next appointment is on Saturday at 9:30... I will be cheering on my follicles until then! :) ***

(Warning: Long post ahead full of whining and complaining… continue reading at your own risk.)

I am INCREDIBLY frustrated right now. Here’s what has been going down….

Tuesday – 3/29 – IVF Monitoring Appointment #2 – I went in hoping to see some follicle growth! For my first monitoring appointment, I had 22 follicles but none over 10 mm. So I was super disappointed after this second ultrasound when I found out that I still didn’t have any follies over 10! :( I did actually have 23 follicles instead of 22… I guess they miscounted at my first appointment. My estrogen came back at 200 and something… (I forget the exact number) so they decided to increase my medication dosage. No biggie…I was only on 108 ius of Follistim and 75 ius of Menopur to begin with. They increased them to 150 ius of Follistim and 112 ius of Menopur for Tuesday night and Wednesday night. The ultrasound tech told me that this was all normal and that she was sure that we would be measuring some bigger follicles on Thursday morning. Awesome.

Wednesday – 3/30 – Yesterday morning I was organizing some IVF related paperwork when I came across some information from my injection class. Everyone in the class was given a paper with their IVF protocols and medication. I noticed while I was there that it said I would be using a Lupron trigger. I remember thinking that was strange since the protocol my nurse had sent me a few days prior said I would be using an HCG trigger. I figured the class instructor had made a mistake and I made a mental note to ask my nurse about it but forgot to ask her the next time I spoke to her.

A few days after the class, all of my medication came – along with the HCG trigger. Perfect… I was certain that the class instructor had indeed made a mistake. I didn’t really think about it much more until I came across the paper work yesterday morning. I needed to call my nurse anyway to have her order more Menopur so I thought I would just mention it to be sure.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Hi there… quick question: I was looking over my injection class paperwork and it says that I should be using a Lupron trigger rather than the HCG. I just wanted to verify that I AM supposed to be using the HCG trigger since that is what’s on the protocol that you originally emailed me and since you also ordered that medication for me.

Nurse: Um, … really? That’s strange. Well, let me check with the RE.

Me: Oh, okay.

(… a few minutes later…)

Nurse: Hi. Wow… you are right. She wants you triggering with Lupron. I’m so glad you caught that!

Me: Um… ok.

Nurse: So are you self pay or does your insurance cover your meds?

Me: Well, I do have insurance coverage for medication but I still have a co pay. And… I already PAID my co pay for the HCG that you ordered.

Nurse: Oh no big deal. We can get you a Lupron trigger when you come into the office tomorrow. It’s only like $20.

Me: Well, again, I already paid a co pay for the HCG that YOU ordered for me that I will no longer need. I’m not sure I understand why I need to pay for the Lupron since it really wasn’t my mistake. Is there any way I can bring in my HCG trigger and just trade it for the Lupron trigger?

Nurse: Um, well… yeah, that will work. I won’t be here when you come in tomorrow but you can just talk to any of the nurses and they will take care of it.

Me: Hmmm… ok…. So… can you order me some more Menopur? Or are you going to screw that up too? (Just kidding… I did not say that… I was nice… )

Okay…. So I got off the phone rather upset. First of all… I miss my old nurse. She was AWESOME but she is on maternity leave (of course, right? She left right before my IVF cycle… perfect) … so now I have this new nurse. And she is nice enough but I have always gotten the impression that she is unorganized. And she also seems to be the slightest bit impatient when she calls me and I have questions.

Secondly, I am not a nurse. That is not my job. This is my first IVF cycle and I really don’t think that I should be the one to make sure that my nurse has ordered the correct medication. Isn’t that what they are there for? To make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible? I understand that mistakes happen but I don’t know. I’m just annoyed by the whole thing.

Thursday – 3/31 – IVF Monitoring Appointment #3 – When I went in for my appointment this morning, I tried to go in with a good attitude. I asked to speak with a nurse right away and I didn’t have any problems exchanging my medication. The nurse that I spoke with was super nice, patient, and seemed really organized. I almost offered her money to become my new nurse but I decided against it. :)

Today when they took me back for my ultrasound, I was excited to see how things were progressing. It seemed like it was taking forever… I could see lots of follicles on the screen and the ultra sound tech was measuring, measuring, measuring for what seemed like a really long time. I kept thinking, “This is awesome! They are growing!”. Finally the ultrasound tech asked me, “Who is your doctor?” I told her and thought, “Wow! Things must really be moving along! Maybe she wants to check if my doctor wants to tell me to trigger tonight!” But before I got too excited she said, “Your largest follicle is 10.3 mm”. I think I almost fell off the table. What the heck! I said, “Are they all around the same size at least?” She said, “Yes, you have a lot of follicles at around 10 mm so that is good, but your doctor will probably have some ideas on how to get them growing. Your nurse will call you later.”

So I was really upset when I left. Tonight will be the 8^th night of medication. I thought normally people stim for an average of 10 days! I know that I started out on a lower than normal dosage of meds but I really thought I would have a better response than this. It’s really disappointing. I just wish that my body would cooperate for ONCE.

So right now I’m just waiting for my nurse to call me with my blood work results and the new game plan for medication/next monitoring appointment. I’m just hoping that there will BE a game plan…

IVF Monitoring Appointment #1

Yesterday was my first official monitoring appointment after beginning my meds. It went okay I guess. I really didn’t expect a lot after only three days of medication. I apparently have 22 total follicles – but they are all under 10 mm. My estrogen came back at 160. They tell me that all is well and that this is all normal at this stage. I’m hoping to see some bigger changes at my next appointment tomorrow morning. Keeping my fingers crossed but trying not to expect TOO much at the same time. So far, they haven’t changed my medication dosages. I’m still on 108 ius of Follistim and 75 ius of the Menopur.

One thing I was not expecting was for my injections to hurt so much! I really hope that no one thinks I’m just being a baby about it but the Menopur burns terribly! Before I began these meds, I had several people say to me that the meds don’t hurt at all and that they really aren’t a big deal. But I really don't like them. The Follistim really isn’t too bad. It stings just a little and it goes away pretty quickly. But the Menopur…. OH the burning! I hate it. I’m still not used to it. Thank goodness my hubs does all of my injections for me. It would probably take me forever to psych myself up enough to give them to myself. I just keep telling myself that it will (hopefully!) all be worth it in the end. At least I’m not having any major side effects or anything. I’ve had a few hot flashes but nothing major. No bloating either… although I’m sure that will change as time goes on.

Sorry for the boring post… just nothing too exciting going on just yet! :)

A Quick Update

First of all…. Birth control pills are FINISHED! I took my last pill on Sunday and it felt great. It seemed like I was on them forever!

I had my Pre-IVF blood work and ultrasound yesterday and it went great. Stims start this Thursday! I’m not feeling very nervous about the injections anymore. I’m just excited to get things moving! Everyone keeps saying that this part goes by quickly… I hope that’s true for me!

My next monitoring appointment is on Sunday (the 27^th) at 9:00 am at my clinic’s main office in Rockville, MD (I normally go to a satellite office that’s closer to me on weekdays). There’s a pretty big mall out there so I’m hoping to get some shopping in after my appointment! :)

17 Pills Down… 2 to Go!

Time moves so VERY slowly when you are on birth control pills. At least for me it does. But I’m excited to announce that after taking my pill this morning, I only have TWO MORE pills to go! Sunday will be the last day… finally! :) I have a 7:00 am appointment on Monday morning for my Pre-IVF blood work and ultrasound. Provided everything looks okay (keeping my fingers crossed!) they will hopefully tell me to begin stims on March 24^th! It’s getting closer!

Speaking of getting closer… I looked at my IVF protocol today. Provided that all goes well (and that I do indeed begin injections on the 24^th ), it shows that my tentative date for my egg retrieval is April 4^th! It’s exciting to think that it’s getting so close!  

So all in all… not too much going on here yet. I really wish I could blog more often but sometimes I find that it’s so hard to put my weird thoughts into words. My mind is constantly racing... I live and breathe this stuff. I will spend a whole day trying to decide if we should transfer one or two embryos and I will spend all of the next day wondering if we will even have ANY embryos to transfer! For right now, I’m just praying that my ovaries cooperate once we begin stims and that they produce lots of follicles that contain healthy and mature eggs!

 I’m just really trying to take things one day at a time… and trying not to go crazy in the process.

My Meds Have Arrived!

They are here! And it's very exciting... I've seen a lot of these posts with pictures of IVF medications so I thought I would be prepared... but it's still so overwhelming. All of the medications came in 7 different boxes and I was surprised how excited I was opening each box.

Here they are!


I have two Follistem Pens because my Nurse gave me an extra one just in case... :)

Just as I was getting acquainted with all of my brand new meds, UPS delivered one more box.... I opened it and groaned....

Yup... my Endometrin - Progesterone VAGINAL inserts. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that my clinic doesn't use the PIO shots but I have a feeling that this is going to be...gross. I've done the Prometrium suppositories before and they were bad enough. The Endometrim comes with applicators.... and it says I have to use it THREE times a day. So... yeah, not looking forward to it at all.

I'm just so happy that everything is here and ready to go! 8 more days of birth control... I can't wait until I can toss those and get started with everything! Just trying to be patient.

After my meds arrived yesterday, Mark felt a little left out when I was taking pictures of all of my IVF gear. So, in an effort to include him... I took a picture of HIS IVF gear... 



He's ready to go too! :)



Update: Mock Embryo Transfer, IVF Injection Class, and Medication

Today marks day 7 of birth control… 12 more days to go! I wish I could skip over this part and just start the injections but I’m hoping the time will go by quickly.

Mark and I spent our entire morning today in my RE’s office. First, I had my mock embryo transfer…. And it went really well! For some reason, I was really nervous about it! I hardly had any problems at all with my HSG and this was MUCH easier. I had a TINY bit of cramping when the catheter was put in but it was very mild and went away quickly. When it was over, the RE said that everything looks great and we shouldn’t have any problems! :)

After the Mock, we had our IVF injection class. There were two other couples in the class with us and it actually was fun! We had plenty of time to “play” with all of the different injections and to ask lots of questions. It looks like I will be using the Follistim pen (so cute!) and Menopur. Both seem pretty easy and I’m not too worried about them. The Ganirelix injection looks like it will be the easiest – It’s a prefilled syringe just like the Ovidrel. Obviously, the one I’m most scared of is the trigger shot with the super huge needle … but I will survive. It’s only one shot. I’m thankful that I will be doing progesterone suppositories instead of the PIO shots that I hear so many horror stories about! Overall, it was a great class. It was really nice to talk with some other couples who are going through the same thing.

A few hours ago my pharmacy called with my medication price. First, they told me the price of everything without insurance…. Almost $5000.00! After I held my breath for a while, they finally told me that the total cost to ME was going to be $496.00. I was VERY happy to hear that! My big box of meds is scheduled to be delivered on Friday. I can’t wait! :)

My Weird IVF Protocol…

…. So CD 1 was yesterday… well, sort of. I started bleeding bright red yesterday morning but it was pretty light. My period usually always starts this way so I put in a tampon and called my nurse announcing the good news that today was CD 1! She said, “Great! You will start your birth control pills on CD 3. I will go ahead and order your meds and put together your protocol and email it to you. You will need to schedule your mock embryo transfer after you start your birth control pills.” Awesome! Of course I was super excited.

Until… she emailed me my protocol. I’m on the antagonist protocol… meaning, no Lupron. Now, I haven’t researched this protocol too much but I had just read in my IVF book the night before that the antagonist protocol works best for “older women”. To me, this in some way implied that they did not think that I would respond well to the longer Lupron protocol.

So I emailed my nurse back right away. I told her exactly what I had read and asked her if there was any reason I should be concerned.

Her reply:

Andrea,

That is not true. Our antagonist protocol is geared toward high responders, not low ones. You are going to be fine! Good questions though!

So needless to say, I felt a lot better. I also did some Googling and it seems as though a lot of RE’s are now prescribing the Antagonist protocol for all IVF patients with polycystic ovaries (like me!) due to the lower risk of OHSS. Now, the thought of OHSS scares the junk out of me and I’m so glad to know that my clinic thinks about things like that. I’m just nervous that I won’t have as good of a response as I would have had with the Lupron protocol. I’ve thought about it a lot though, and I’m going to try my best to trust my doctor and hope that my body does what it is supposed to do.

Here is the protocol that she emailed me:

Medications

*       Birth Control Pills - 21-day pack (1-2 packs)

*       Ganirelix or Cetrotide syringes - when directed.

*       Gonadotropin FSH (Follistim, Gonal F, or Bravelle) and 75 IU FSH&LH (Repronex or Menopur) or 75 IU LH (Luveris)

*       hCG (hCG, Pregnyl, Novarel), 10,000 units, 1 vial - "Trigger" intramuscular injection.

*       Zithromax 1 gram  - taken when directed evening before egg retrieval.

*       Estrace 2 mg (#60)  - taken when directed to start evening of egg retrieval.

*       Endometrin vaginal insert (#60), as directed to start the day after egg retrieval.

*       Prescription prenatal vitamin (Neevo) 1 tablet every day.

*       Baby aspirin (81 mg) – 1 tablet every day

Date   Protocol Day     Instructions

02/28/11:  Cycle Day 1 - CALL YOUR PRIMARY NURSE WITH THE FIRST DAY OF FULL FLOW.  No blood work or sonogram.

03/02-03/20:  Start Birth Control Pills - 1 tablet each day for 19 days.

03/21: Day after last birth control pill - “Pre-IVF Evaluation" blood work (E2, P4, Beta) and ultrasound.  You will be called in the afternoon with your results.

03/24:  If blood work & ultrasound are within normal limits, gonadotropins are usually started on the 4th day after your last birth control pill.  Your nurse will give you the date to start along with dosing instructions and date to return for follow-up monitoring.  * The stimulation with gonadotropins usually lasts 10 to 12 days, with frequent office visits. 

03/29: Once follicles are >14mm (or per physician's orders) you will be given instructions for continuing gonadotropins and beginning Ganirelix or Cetrotide.When instructed, you will take your first dose of Ganirelix or Cetrotide that evening, and starting the next day you will take the Cetrotide/Ganirelix in the morning.

04/04:  Egg retrieval (approximate date).

04/07-04/09: Embryo transfer (approximate date).

*Protocol will be individualized hereafter.

So that’s it! My approximate date for the egg retrieval is April 4^th! That seems so close yet so far away at the same time! It’s very exciting though.

But I have another dilemma. Sorry in advance if this next part is TMI. Remember how I said that my period started but the bleeding was pretty light? When I went to the bathroom later on yesterday to change my tampon, the bleeding was lighter than it was in the morning. Just a little heavier than spotting. This is really strange for me. Normally it gets heavier until it starts to ease up around CD 3 or 4. Instead, the flow continued to get lighter throughout the day yesterday until it was almost nothing by the time I went to bed. This morning, it’s back to really light bleeding. So I don’t know what to do. I have never before had to ask myself, “Is this really my period?” It’s always been so obvious! But now I’m nervous to start the birth control tomorrow. Ugh I don’t know. If it doesn’t get any heavier, I will probably call my nurse in the morning just to make sure. I just don’t want to be one of “those” patients who (at 25 years of age) calls to ask what my period should be like. We will see. Until then, I will just pray (for the first time in my life!) for heavier bleeding.

In other news, I read in my IVF book that I should up my protein during my cycle. So I went out this weekend and got some chocolate whey protein powder. I decided that I would go ahead and drink a protein shake every morning for breakfast. I made sure to prepare myself to hate it since I was pretty sure it would be disgusting. But it … was…. AWESOME. Seriously, I LOVE it. This may be my new favorite breakfast. I put the protein powder with skim milk, ice, and a banana in a blender and it tastes great! I really love it. This will be an easy way to get 25 grams of protein every morning.

Well… that’s about it! I still feel like a little bit of an IVF freak since I won’t be using Lupron like everyone else but hopefully all will go well!

Going a little crazy …

Not much to report. Today is CD 26… and I am seriously going insane. I try so hard to think about other things but it’s impossible. I just want AF to get here! I’m really glad that I’m on a break this cycle. I truly needed this time to prepare financially and emotionally for IVF. But now, I’m prepared. I’m ready to GO! I really don’t think that I’ve ever been so impatient about anything in my whole life.  

I picked up my birth control pills last night and I was strangely excited. I know that starting birth control is really nothing special and that I will still have a few weeks before I start injections but it feels great to be prepared. It was seriously the highlight of my night.

I talked to my nurse and she said that after I start the BC pills (on CD 1) I will need to schedule my mock embryo transfer and we will also order my big box of fertility drugs. I’m still a little nervous about the injections but I’ve done a lot research and watched a ton of videos so I’m feeling much more prepared.

I’m SO happy it’s Friday. I should be too distracted over the weekend to think about how slow time is moving and hopefully AF will arrive by Monday!  

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Tagged! A Survey....

I was tagged by my dear, sweet blog friend, Lulu for this cute survey! Here are the rules:

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

Okay… so I’m going to tag (I hope I’m doing this right!) some of my other favorite bloggers:

Jill at Hubby, baby and me… our family of 3

Kerrick at Uncommon Nonsense

Kelly at  The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope)

And So It Goes at Life in the Detours

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Definitely, definitely FAMILY members! I love my pups so much!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? A successful first cycle of IVF, followed by a healthy, happy pregnancy, followed by a full-term, happy and healthy baby!

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

A billion? Whoa… I could do a lot with that!

My top priorities would be…

- Pay off IVF

- Buy a new SUV

- Buy a new house

- Stealing this from Lulu, but I couldn’t agree more! - Quit my job and just focus on getting pregnant all day long!!! :)

- Get a few more pups!

- Take an amazing vacation

- Lots of other stuff!

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Snuggling with my hubby and pups! I also really enjoy reading blogs of women who have gone through infertility and have had success… it gives me hope and definitely helps to pull me out of a bad mood!

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? That my body would get pregnant and STAY pregnant!

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? We met at work! I was not interested in him at first because he is a lot older than I am (10 years) but he could ALWAYS make me laugh. I’m glad I gave him a chance because he’s still making me laugh 6 years later!

7. What kind of books do you read? Please don’t say anything, but I really like Mary Higgins Clark books. Feel free to laugh and talk amongst yourselves now. 

I’m also currently reading a very interesting book on IVF called “The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization”. I’m not really learning too much more than I already knew but I will read anything that has to do with fertility treatments.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? A mom! With one or two little ones.

9. What’s your fear? Being childless forever. I try not to think about it very much but it is my biggest fear.  

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? No way. Not a chance.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? I usually think about how I would really love to go back to sleep for a few hours!

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? I wish that he were an RE. That way he would understand everything that I tell him about IVF! :)

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? Mrs. Peyton Manning… Just kidding! I wouldn’t change my name.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Sun!! I can’t wait for it to get warmer here in Maryland… I’m so ready for Spring!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Sushi. But since I am hoping to be pregnant sometime in the next six months, I will eat anything that is pregnancy approved!

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? I love having the ability to get my crazy thoughts out of my head. I also really LOVE to read other women’s stories. It helps so much to know that there are other people in similar situations.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I would have to say salty. But let the record show that I really DO love sweet foods too.

18. What items are in your purse right now? Wallet, IPod/headphones, Gum, Brush, mirror, pen, my daily planner, Chap Stick, my latest Mary Higgins Clark book (I’m a NERD!), Cell phone, and my adorable new pill case that I just got off of eBay to hold all of my daily pills.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? The BEACH!!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn't? I usually watch Netflix. But I did rent the Back Up Plan recently … that movie was ALL about pregnancy. I knew I shouldn’t have watched it … but I did. Even though it made me a little sad, I kind of liked it!